On almost having an eating disorder.

Speaking about vulnerable and personal things is so important, and recently I've felt a little out of touch with myself. 

So, I figured that we'd jump right in with something pretty dramatic and unspoken about. Sometimes sharing something that is so central to your being is tricky, but we'll give it a go, shall we? 

A description. 

What it's like having BDD: you are never not thinking about your body. When you sit down, you are thinking about how your thighs look. You prop them up because they look smaller that way. You don't like clothes that pinch. Bras are unpleasant because there is a little squishy layer of skin that pops up just underneath the strap. Clothes are unpleasant in general. You want to take them off and have nothing squeezing you- no creases, no bulges, no lines. You want to lie on the floor and make your body as small as you can- you learn how to sit to make this possible. Your tummy is sucked in all the time. You want to exercise. All the time. When you eat, you feel bad. Really guilty. You want to do sit-ups straight after dinner. Even your ankles look abnormally large. You pull your clothes tight around you when you walk past a mirror, just to see whether you look a little smaller than the last time you checked. You check a lot. Always checking. 

Something that is so key and that I don't think people that don't suffer don't think about, is that you don't want to get better. Because that means that you have to not care so much about being small. And you so desperately want to be small. Getting better means doing the complete opposite of what your brain is telling you is most important. The thought of getting better is scary.

Today, I generally feel better- but I often feel bad about feeling better. Guilt is one of the biggest problems surrounding eating disorders. Because my brain told me that I should never ever stop exercising. And the Internet tells me that I should never ever stop exercising. And that I shouldn't cook my food in oil. And that I should cut out all refined sugars. And the list is endless and ridiculous. 

Half of my brain is better, and half of my brain is angry at being better. 

SO! Here is the important part. If anything, try to take just a little bit of this along with you.

If you are struggling: unfollow all the bikini accounts on Instagram now. It's an obsession that is not healthy. You are not those girls. You never will be those girls. You are YOU, and you are perfectly wonderful just the way that you are. You don't need to have abs to be happy. You don't need to be small- you should not place your value on your negative space. 

Don't exercise for a while. It's fine. Your body won't change in a day. You're allowed to eat chocolate sometimes and cake sometimes and oil won't kill you. Promise. 

You'll have bad days and your brain will be muddled sometimes. Don't let guilt take over you. What's done is done, roll with it, all is ok. 

Be happy with curves and lines and creases and pooches. You're a human being and you have skin and you have organs and that is very important. You can be a healthy little thing and have a little marshmallow fluff too. It's all good. You're all good. 

List the things that you don't like. Now tell me why you like them. 

Compliment yourself politely all the fucking time you beautiful little bundle of skin and smiles and vastness. You're bloody fantastic and your body deserves all the love you can give. 

Much love xxx

CRYING (MAYBE RELATABLE. PROBABLY MORE FOR SELF CONSOLING.)

I do not like crying. My mother has often said "I rarely see Sophie crying, so it's quite odd when I do." Crying results in a snotty nose and a face that is red and blotchy for at least a day. It also results in eyes that are swollen and puffy for at least two. Crying makes me feel weak and uncomfortable.

Mainly because I have no sense of control, and I feel that I could quite easily be swept along in a flood of watery, dramatic sadness and not be able to fight my way out. People say that you feel better after you've 'had a good cry', but I find that I just feel a little guilty and embarrassed- this is definitely silly, because having leaky eyes and making funny sounds does not equate to weakness in any way, it simply equates to being a human being.

 Everything seems to be heightened when you're in the middle of a crying fit- everything is bigger and scarier and bolder and brighter and just generally completely out of your grasp. It sort of feels like you're underwater, right? I'm not talking about little delicate tears that elegantly slide down your face and make pretty puddles- I'm talking about ugly sobs. Sobs that somehow rack through your entire body and make screechy sounds. The really unpleasant (arguably satisfying) sobs.  I definitely know that I do not like not being in control of my own emotions, which is perhaps ironic seeing as I have concluded that I seem to feel everything just a little bit more dramatically in comparison to most people. 

This year (and the end of last year), I have cried more so than I think I ever have done before- a combination of stress and self-doubt and future scares and changing relationships and loneliness and just general daunting life things that are often overwhelming. 

And I think that I'm writing this more so for myself than for any other reason. To make myself (and any others that may also be in the same frustratingly emotional boat) realise, that crying is ok. It's ok to be swept away for a little while, it's ok to cave into yourself, it's ok to be blotchy and it's ok for other people to know that you've been curled up in a ball with a headache and a damp face for a good solid hour- give or take. 

Crying should not be embarrassing, crying does not mean that you're weak and incapable of self control, crying does not mean that you're merely 'an overly emotional female' and it does not mean that you will not ever be happy again. Quite the opposite in fact. So, I think that we should learn to float along with our emotions, observe them, embrace them, and slowly let them pass. It's certainly true that things will always get better, even if you really do feel as though you're drowning right now. "This too shall pass" is a collection of words that I should probably tattoo all over my body, just as a friendly reminder (maybe), but for now I'll stick with this. 

Go and have a cry and a bubble bath and a vegan cookie if you need to. 

Everything's cool really. 

{LOVE to all those that bother to skim through my clumsy words. It makes me feel warmer than you can possibly imagine.}

Sophie xxx

ON FEELING SHIT + ADVICE // 28/03/16 BY SOPHIE

I give myself very good advice, but I rarely seem to follow it.

I often know what to say. I'm actually really proud of the way that I deal with the emotions and feelings of others. I like to think of myself as a friend that is good at giving advice, and good at listening- something that people want to be associated with, right? I think that I thank my mum for this because she is a wonderful advice giver (thank you Susan.)

I like helping people out and I like talking about emotions because I think that they're incredibly important and incredibly powerful (in both good and bad ways.) I like to think of myself as an individual that is quite capable at responding to negativity and giving solutions to internal problems. I've read a lot and listened a lot and I believe that listening to other people talk about how they feel is really beneficial. It's the loveliest thing to know that you are not locked up alone with all your crazy emotions, and that actually there are plenty of other human beings that feel just as deeply as you do.

I've kinda noticed though, that advice givers are not so good at listening to themselves. I (would assume) that people would think that I'm an extremely secure and comfortable human being, simply because I blurt out my thoughts often and try to order them into some form of logical conclusion. It's true, I do this largely for my own benefit, and stringing out words so that they don't merely sit in your brain like muddy puddles of mess really is very helpful (I recommend it so hugely). It's just a shame that I often don't really listen to what I'm saying. Actually scrap that, I do, but I just find it extraordinarily difficult to apply.

I didn't really properly realise that giving advice doesn't automatically solve people's problems. That is until I looked at myself and realised that a lot of the time, even though I am very much aware of what I should be doing (smiling despite the acne, not being frightened of light, eating because I feel hungry, feeling worthy of conversation with strangers), that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll do it. Not at all.
It all seems very basic and pretty simple until it applies to you personally. Because emotions are incredibly powerful, and brains can make you think things that are totally irrational. Knowing that you should love your face is very different to actually loving your face.

The trouble is, thoughts are difficult to kill- once a thought is present, removing it is tricky. Like, really tricky. And some thoughts need killing. Because some thoughts are stupid and irrational and dictating and should not be allowed to be present within your head. I think that it's all about the journey and people (including myself) need to remember that eventually, you will love your face (or talk to a stranger, or eat a whole cake, or open your curtains or join something new and exciting), and that you just have to work on tiny little steps that will help you get there. In a StylelikeU video somebody mentioned something along the lines of 'happiness is a journey, not a destination' which sounds cheesy as hell, but equally wonderful.

So, I guess I'm saying that we should focus on killing some bad thoughts. Or at least stamping on them a little, so that we can't hear them shouting at us so loudly all the time. You can't trust always trust your thoughts (weird, huh?) and if they're telling you bad things about yourself, they're probably wrong.

So I'm going to try and be better at taking my own advice. I think it'll be better that way. You should probably try it too.

Smile babes xxx

Dear acne. 23/02/16.

This is not a sympathy post; acne, I bloody hate you. 

Acne is new to me. Early on, my skin was never really a concern of mine- it wasn't something that I though about unless I was plagued with a single giant spot, and even then I wasn't very emotionally affected as I knew that it would soon enough be gone. Currently, things are very different.

Jumbled thoughts about his kind of acne; 

I've experienced nothing so consuming in all my life. 

It does not feel like part of you- it's not your face. I can do better! Shallow? I've never felt so shallow. 

I did not appreciate my face. 

Not knowing what to do because every webpage states something different 'Toothpaste!' 'Dry out your skin' 'Make sure you moisturise' 'Don't squeeze!' 'Extract whiteheads'. 

Everything is too confusing. Nobody can confirm anything. All skin is different. I do not understand mine. 

It's the thought that it will never go back to how it was. That redness and bumps and self consciousness will become me. I crave the old. So. Much. 

I just became comfortable with my face. I like my features now. Acne, you've torn it down. 

Don't turn the lights on anymore. Eye contact is hard. Mirrors? Crying. Shallow. 

Wanting to meet new people; not wanting them to think that you look like this. Worthy? Shallow?

'Current thoughts on makeup'- It's different and difficult- almost impossible- when you don't feel comfortable with your face. I did not appreciate this. "Put some makeup on to make yourself feel better." I don't feel much better. 

Physically painful. Like little pin pricks all over your face. Throbbing sometimes. Sounds dramatic? Maybe. "Nobody see's it as badly as you do!" Sure, but I do. 

Acne, you're my first waking thought, you do not leave my mind. Ever. I am aware of you always, and I hate you. I hate you. 

Dear girls with acne,

I am completely sorry. I wish that I could give you some proper advice, but I fear that I am perhaps not the best person for this. Here are some things that you should be reminded of;

1. Your face is still the same underneath. You still have your lovely eyes and lips and your bones are the same and your smile is the same. People will look into your eyes, not at your skin.

2. It will go. You will not be stuck with it forever. Hormones will balance eventually. Things will get better.

3. Go to a doctor. Get some advice. Do not do anything stupid (do not put toothpaste, or any other item that is not particularly meant for skin onto your lovely face. Please.)

4. You are still worthy. You are more than your skin.

5. Smiling makes a world of difference. Fucking beam at everybody you see. 

VEGAN EASY #2 : INSPIRATION // BY SOPHIE

Knowing why you're doing what you're doing and staying motivated is one of the most effective and important parts of following a vegan lifestyle, I think. I thought that I'd share a few websites/ Instagram pages/ youtube channels/ things to watch that I found/find really helpful when feeling a little uninspired.

1- WATCH COWSPIRACY. It will change your life. Seriously. I wasn't really up for diving straight into the well known documentary 'Earthlings' because I really didn't think that I could cope with watching the horrific things that go on within factory farming and the slaughter of animals for food. So I watched Cowspiracy, which focused more so on the environmental impact of a 'normal' diet, compared to a vegan or plant-based diet. It's bloody brilliant and I actually want to forcibly broadcast it to every home all over the world.

2- WEBSITES. Just a few that I have found helpful when looking for recipes, dietary information and general answers to my vegan based questions;

veganeasy.org
http://www.vrg.org/nutshell/vegan.htm
deliciouslyella.com
loveandlemons.com
commoncomfort.com
faring-well.com

3- YOUTUBE. Youtube is a great great great places for vegan recipes/ FAQs, what I eat in a day's/ vegan lifestyle vlogs etc etc etc. These are some of my favourite vegan vloggers;

Cam and Nina have an absolutely wonderful youtube channel. They share recipes and adventures and make me smile an awful lot.

Plant Based Judy is hilarious and relatable and had the most wonderfully simple and easily accessible vegan recipe videos.

Bonny is a pretty well known vegan personality- her videos are great for when you're not entirely sure what to eat- her 'What I eat in a day' videos are really helpful.

A more general recipes channel; The Vegan Corner have some amazing recipe ideas.

I've only just discovered this channel, but I absolutely love Candice's videos!

I saw Aine at Vegfest doing a live cooking demo, and have since fallen in love with her youtube channel; Aine Carlin and amazing cook book 'Keep it Vegan'.

And finally Unnatural Vegan - a super duper interesting channel that discusses the myths about veganism, and puts lots of things into scientific perspective. I find this channel really very interesting- don't let the videos put you off of being vegan, but definitely give some of the videos a watch.

4- INSTAGRAM. Instagram is probably my favourite place for vegan inspiration. I love looking at pretty pictures. Some that I love are:

@withalmondbutterontop
@earthlingmaxi
@bonnyrebecca
@tumblinbumblincrumblincookie
@thecoconutgoddess
@plantbasedjudy
@papaya_sunshine
@stephanie.h.park
@thelarasimone
@minimalmeals
@soph_gordon
@naturallyhanne


Check all these beauties out! I've linked everything that I can and hope that this has made life slightly easier for you.

Sending good vibezzzz

xxx

A BUNCH OF CONTRADICTIONS // streams and streams of thought

- I suppose I've always struggled with the idea that I'm not a fully formed, perfectly complete human being. And that I never really will be. 

I was always quite judgmental (both to myself, and those around me) and I picked up on all the things that I was doing wrong, and all the thoughts that contradicted themselves so much inside my head. I always spoke about people as though they were complete, with static personalities and the inability to change.

We seem to label people pretty quickly in this society, making assumptions that a person is very wrong and thus very horrible. I've only just realised that it is actually possible for human beings to regret or change their ideas and actions. I seemed to have forgotten that I am not the only one that often comes away from a situation feeling pretty awful because I've responded to something ridiculously and not felt at all as though I was coming across as truly 'me'. 

I guess I just really hope that people too realise that I am often not happy with the way I am. Sometimes I don't like the clothes I'm wearing, sometimes I don't like the words I'm saying, sometimes I don't like the judgements I'm making and sometimes I don't realise that at the time. I am not fully formed and I very much hope that people do not make whole judgements of me based on a blurred and general construct. I make a lot of mistakes- just as everybody does- and I have traits in me that I do not like. I suppose the difference is, I am trying very hard to work on them, and it's the 'work in progress' sign that isn't always clearly visible and understood by everyone around me that is possibly the most important thing about me.

I've come to the realisation (although the 'work in progress sign very much still applies!) that it is completely ok to be a big bundle of contradictions. It is ok not the have a definite answer, it is ok not to understand your thoughts, it is ok to do one thing, realise in hindsight that it was not the best thing to do or say, and then change your behaviour for next time. As human beings we need to grow and alter and shift and it is perfectly fine and normal to have opinions that are fluid. We can't expect to know everything and do everything right because we are in a continual flow of motion that won't really ever stop until we stop thinking. 

So here I am, both happy and sad, and nervous and confident, and self-loving and self-hating, and still trying to properly work out how that can possibly be so.-

VEGAN EASY #1 : THE BASICS // BY SOPHIE

SO, I've recently been contacted by a fair few people who have (wonderfully) decided to give being vegan a go. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't think to do this before, but since I've been getting a fair few similar questions about 'how to be vegan' or 'do you have any tips for me starting out?', I figured that I'd make a little series on littleheadspace about my experience of veganism/ plant-based living.
I definitely don't claim to be an expert on nutrition or veganism as a whole (I'm still learning and discovering new things and trying to remember facts and figures about the whole affair), but I think that sharing my personal experience as an young(er), English girl, may be helpful to some people.

Things that I plan to cover include:

►Different types of vegan diets

►The difference between veganism and plant-based and my stance on the community/ 'the rules of veganism'

►Places to eat out

►Supplements

►What I eat in a day (generally)

►Inspiration and things to watch

►Things that you CAN eat


Right then, a little bit about my own Vegan experience. I definitely will admit that I believe that I decided to 'go vegan' for the wrong reasons. I was looking at lots of girls on social media that were talking about how amazing it felt to follow a vegan diet, and I really wanted to look just as good as them in a small bikini. Not a great incentive, I know.
I didn't initially think that anything would come of it- I didn't actually think that my parents would allow me to follow a vegan diet (I've grown up in a house of very traditional English meals- a fair amount of meat, mainly chicken, lots of green vegetables and carbs). I knew that my mum especially would be extremely wary of this seemingly 'fad diet' (veganism really isn't a diet, but I'll get onto that later.) But I introduced it to them slowly, promising that I would cook all my own meals and research things about supplements and take a blood test to make sure that everything was still functioning properly.
I had been a vegetarian before, and I didn't become vegan overnight. It took me quite a while to transition actually, but I slowly subbed out all my animal based food products.

My first few days of veganism were quite disastrous to be honest. I didn't really know what I was doing, and I didn't really know how to cook anything that tasted amazing, but that was also healthy. So here comes tip 1: DO YOUR RESEARCH. I'd say that making sure you feel comfortable with cooking and finding simple recipes that taste good is really very important when starting out. Looking back, if I had planned things out a little better, my transition to veganism would have been a lot smoother, and it wouldn't have taken me such a long time to cut out everything animal-ly.

My reason behind remaining vegan has expanded hugely. I now am aware of the ethics behind the lifestyle, the environmental benefits AND the health benefits too (I'll do a separate post all about what to watch and what to read about this.)

BASIC STUFF THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

- I think that getting a blood test once you have been following a vegan diet for a good few months is a really good idea, just to check that all your levels are OK and make sure that everything is functioning adequately.

- Invest in a B12 supplement. This is the only supplement that you really need (although I also take calcium and vitamin D) I'd start off by taking the 1000 ug, and then move down to 100 ug/ 10 ug.

- Research the reasoning behind veganism and look at websites that talk about nutrition etc. Also, don't be afraid to ask fellow vegans about things that may be slightly confusing to start off with- I know that I love talking about it, and that I'd always be more than happy to try and help people out.

- Your first few weeks may be slightly off, but keep going!!! Veganism is honestly the best decision that I have made, and I can't even begin to explain how disappointed I would be with myself if I had given up when it just seemed 'impossible'.


I hope that this is somehow helpful to some of you! If you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to answer- you can email me at sb3eclipse@gmail.com

There's so much more to say, so I'll update ya'll soon!

Loads of lurrrrveeeee,

xxx