A BUNCH OF CONTRADICTIONS // streams and streams of thought

- I suppose I've always struggled with the idea that I'm not a fully formed, perfectly complete human being. And that I never really will be. 

I was always quite judgmental (both to myself, and those around me) and I picked up on all the things that I was doing wrong, and all the thoughts that contradicted themselves so much inside my head. I always spoke about people as though they were complete, with static personalities and the inability to change.

We seem to label people pretty quickly in this society, making assumptions that a person is very wrong and thus very horrible. I've only just realised that it is actually possible for human beings to regret or change their ideas and actions. I seemed to have forgotten that I am not the only one that often comes away from a situation feeling pretty awful because I've responded to something ridiculously and not felt at all as though I was coming across as truly 'me'. 

I guess I just really hope that people too realise that I am often not happy with the way I am. Sometimes I don't like the clothes I'm wearing, sometimes I don't like the words I'm saying, sometimes I don't like the judgements I'm making and sometimes I don't realise that at the time. I am not fully formed and I very much hope that people do not make whole judgements of me based on a blurred and general construct. I make a lot of mistakes- just as everybody does- and I have traits in me that I do not like. I suppose the difference is, I am trying very hard to work on them, and it's the 'work in progress' sign that isn't always clearly visible and understood by everyone around me that is possibly the most important thing about me.

I've come to the realisation (although the 'work in progress sign very much still applies!) that it is completely ok to be a big bundle of contradictions. It is ok not the have a definite answer, it is ok not to understand your thoughts, it is ok to do one thing, realise in hindsight that it was not the best thing to do or say, and then change your behaviour for next time. As human beings we need to grow and alter and shift and it is perfectly fine and normal to have opinions that are fluid. We can't expect to know everything and do everything right because we are in a continual flow of motion that won't really ever stop until we stop thinking. 

So here I am, both happy and sad, and nervous and confident, and self-loving and self-hating, and still trying to properly work out how that can possibly be so.-