DON'T DISREGARD YOUR EMOTIONS

You know those really dramatic thoughts that crawl into your brain at 10 PM? (It's most probably later for you. Could be earlier. Could be consistently. For me 8 PM is the uncomfortable hour, and 10 PM is when I suddenly need to write it all down.)
Those thoughts are scary and overwhelming and really important to observe and listen to. I think that humans spend a lot of their time pushing their deep thoughts even deeper because they're really quite tricky to know how to hold and get along with.

I haven't mastered the whole control thing quite yet.

Things that help (A collection of suggestions from myself, and from some other wonderful humans that like to make me feel better)

- Write all your thoughts down in a book. For me, when I write things down, they're taken out of my head and put somewhere else. It's kind of like clearing up (but for your brain...) Shove everything down on paper- you can keep it, or you can proceed to scribble all over it and crunch it up into a little ball to throw into the bin in the morning. Whatever works for you. Mum always had a handy newspaper on hand to dramatically rip up in the bathroom. She said that it always made her feel better.

- Observe your emotions but don't let them drown you. Crying is totally healthy, but try not to do what I do and bottle everything up for ages before exploding into a crying fit that makes you feel as though you'd quite happily fall into a little hole and stay there for the rest of your life. (Also, the headaches are banging. Does anyone literally feel allergic to crying?)
Watch your emotions, flow along with them, think about them logically, continually remind yourself that everything is temporary. Don't do anything stupid, just watch, embrace and breathe (A LOT.)

- Get outside even though you don't want to. (I'm rubbish at this). Throw on some clothes, take a stroll into the garden or down the road. Try and connect with something green- I think that nature helps because sometimes there just seem to be too many humans around.

- Eat some good food. Healthy? Not healthy? Whatever you want. Don't feel guilty. Treat yourself to something amazing. Treat your insides and your brain and feel warm. Just be really super duper kind to yourself.

I think that people should work on being kind to themselves. If you look at how far you've come, it's probably really quite impressive.


Thanks to all the amazing human beans that wrote me gorgeous words and made me feel SO much better. Sharing helps- bear that in mind too :)

LOVES
S xxx

On almost having an eating disorder.

Speaking about vulnerable and personal things is so important, and recently I've felt a little out of touch with myself. 

So, I figured that we'd jump right in with something pretty dramatic and unspoken about. Sometimes sharing something that is so central to your being is tricky, but we'll give it a go, shall we? 

A description. 

What it's like having BDD: you are never not thinking about your body. When you sit down, you are thinking about how your thighs look. You prop them up because they look smaller that way. You don't like clothes that pinch. Bras are unpleasant because there is a little squishy layer of skin that pops up just underneath the strap. Clothes are unpleasant in general. You want to take them off and have nothing squeezing you- no creases, no bulges, no lines. You want to lie on the floor and make your body as small as you can- you learn how to sit to make this possible. Your tummy is sucked in all the time. You want to exercise. All the time. When you eat, you feel bad. Really guilty. You want to do sit-ups straight after dinner. Even your ankles look abnormally large. You pull your clothes tight around you when you walk past a mirror, just to see whether you look a little smaller than the last time you checked. You check a lot. Always checking. 

Something that is so key and that I don't think people that don't suffer don't think about, is that you don't want to get better. Because that means that you have to not care so much about being small. And you so desperately want to be small. Getting better means doing the complete opposite of what your brain is telling you is most important. The thought of getting better is scary.

Today, I generally feel better- but I often feel bad about feeling better. Guilt is one of the biggest problems surrounding eating disorders. Because my brain told me that I should never ever stop exercising. And the Internet tells me that I should never ever stop exercising. And that I shouldn't cook my food in oil. And that I should cut out all refined sugars. And the list is endless and ridiculous. 

Half of my brain is better, and half of my brain is angry at being better. 

SO! Here is the important part. If anything, try to take just a little bit of this along with you.

If you are struggling: unfollow all the bikini accounts on Instagram now. It's an obsession that is not healthy. You are not those girls. You never will be those girls. You are YOU, and you are perfectly wonderful just the way that you are. You don't need to have abs to be happy. You don't need to be small- you should not place your value on your negative space. 

Don't exercise for a while. It's fine. Your body won't change in a day. You're allowed to eat chocolate sometimes and cake sometimes and oil won't kill you. Promise. 

You'll have bad days and your brain will be muddled sometimes. Don't let guilt take over you. What's done is done, roll with it, all is ok. 

Be happy with curves and lines and creases and pooches. You're a human being and you have skin and you have organs and that is very important. You can be a healthy little thing and have a little marshmallow fluff too. It's all good. You're all good. 

List the things that you don't like. Now tell me why you like them. 

Compliment yourself politely all the fucking time you beautiful little bundle of skin and smiles and vastness. You're bloody fantastic and your body deserves all the love you can give. 

Much love xxx

Dear acne. 23/02/16.

This is not a sympathy post; acne, I bloody hate you. 

Acne is new to me. Early on, my skin was never really a concern of mine- it wasn't something that I though about unless I was plagued with a single giant spot, and even then I wasn't very emotionally affected as I knew that it would soon enough be gone. Currently, things are very different.

Jumbled thoughts about his kind of acne; 

I've experienced nothing so consuming in all my life. 

It does not feel like part of you- it's not your face. I can do better! Shallow? I've never felt so shallow. 

I did not appreciate my face. 

Not knowing what to do because every webpage states something different 'Toothpaste!' 'Dry out your skin' 'Make sure you moisturise' 'Don't squeeze!' 'Extract whiteheads'. 

Everything is too confusing. Nobody can confirm anything. All skin is different. I do not understand mine. 

It's the thought that it will never go back to how it was. That redness and bumps and self consciousness will become me. I crave the old. So. Much. 

I just became comfortable with my face. I like my features now. Acne, you've torn it down. 

Don't turn the lights on anymore. Eye contact is hard. Mirrors? Crying. Shallow. 

Wanting to meet new people; not wanting them to think that you look like this. Worthy? Shallow?

'Current thoughts on makeup'- It's different and difficult- almost impossible- when you don't feel comfortable with your face. I did not appreciate this. "Put some makeup on to make yourself feel better." I don't feel much better. 

Physically painful. Like little pin pricks all over your face. Throbbing sometimes. Sounds dramatic? Maybe. "Nobody see's it as badly as you do!" Sure, but I do. 

Acne, you're my first waking thought, you do not leave my mind. Ever. I am aware of you always, and I hate you. I hate you. 

Dear girls with acne,

I am completely sorry. I wish that I could give you some proper advice, but I fear that I am perhaps not the best person for this. Here are some things that you should be reminded of;

1. Your face is still the same underneath. You still have your lovely eyes and lips and your bones are the same and your smile is the same. People will look into your eyes, not at your skin.

2. It will go. You will not be stuck with it forever. Hormones will balance eventually. Things will get better.

3. Go to a doctor. Get some advice. Do not do anything stupid (do not put toothpaste, or any other item that is not particularly meant for skin onto your lovely face. Please.)

4. You are still worthy. You are more than your skin.

5. Smiling makes a world of difference. Fucking beam at everybody you see. 

A BUNCH OF CONTRADICTIONS // streams and streams of thought

- I suppose I've always struggled with the idea that I'm not a fully formed, perfectly complete human being. And that I never really will be. 

I was always quite judgmental (both to myself, and those around me) and I picked up on all the things that I was doing wrong, and all the thoughts that contradicted themselves so much inside my head. I always spoke about people as though they were complete, with static personalities and the inability to change.

We seem to label people pretty quickly in this society, making assumptions that a person is very wrong and thus very horrible. I've only just realised that it is actually possible for human beings to regret or change their ideas and actions. I seemed to have forgotten that I am not the only one that often comes away from a situation feeling pretty awful because I've responded to something ridiculously and not felt at all as though I was coming across as truly 'me'. 

I guess I just really hope that people too realise that I am often not happy with the way I am. Sometimes I don't like the clothes I'm wearing, sometimes I don't like the words I'm saying, sometimes I don't like the judgements I'm making and sometimes I don't realise that at the time. I am not fully formed and I very much hope that people do not make whole judgements of me based on a blurred and general construct. I make a lot of mistakes- just as everybody does- and I have traits in me that I do not like. I suppose the difference is, I am trying very hard to work on them, and it's the 'work in progress' sign that isn't always clearly visible and understood by everyone around me that is possibly the most important thing about me.

I've come to the realisation (although the 'work in progress sign very much still applies!) that it is completely ok to be a big bundle of contradictions. It is ok not the have a definite answer, it is ok not to understand your thoughts, it is ok to do one thing, realise in hindsight that it was not the best thing to do or say, and then change your behaviour for next time. As human beings we need to grow and alter and shift and it is perfectly fine and normal to have opinions that are fluid. We can't expect to know everything and do everything right because we are in a continual flow of motion that won't really ever stop until we stop thinking. 

So here I am, both happy and sad, and nervous and confident, and self-loving and self-hating, and still trying to properly work out how that can possibly be so.-

HELLO 2016 // 01/01/16 BY SOPHIE

(So 2015 has disappeared, and I know that New Years resolutions are often seen as silly and that technically 'New Year' is something that we have constructed and that on January 1st I am not going to magically shift into a 'whole new me'. But, I am very much drawn to the idea of reinvention and growth and change, so this year;)

I'm going to eat better food and make time for cooking, I'm going to wake up early and watch the sun and not stare at a screen and breath in and out with my windows wide open whatever the weather. I'm going to smile in the morning and say hello to people that I don't know. I'm going to be more mindful and meditate more often and stretch every (other) night.

I'm going to stop wishing for the weekend and embrace days and emotions and thoughts and people and life. I'm going to read more books and watch more films and go outside for long walks and breathe. I'm going to breathe. 

I'm going to look at myself and grin, and look at other people and grin, and I'm going to compliment the woman that smiles, and smile at the boy that glances. And I'm going to dance more than I do, and I'm going to sing more than I do, and I'm going to go for drives with loud music and visit beaches with loud music and I'm going to listen to even more music. I'm going to paint more pictures and take more photos and create more moments. I'm going to volunteer. I'm going to plan a travelling route and buy a world map. I'm going to educate myself about the world and talk to more people and meet more people and click with more people.

I'm going to wear comfier clothes and shop in more independent places and buy more silver bangles and an anklet that won't break when I pull my socks off. 

I'm going to listen to myself. And I'm going to work myself out a little more. And I'm going to try and let people work me out a little more. 

And I'm going to glow. I just want to glow. 

I welcome you to glow right along with me. 

Happy new year

Xxx

ALONENESS; A STREAM OF THOUGHT // BY SOPHIE

Feeling alone kinda sucks, right?

Human beings have this thing where they seem to believe that they are the only individual capable of their own specific feelings. Which I guess, in a way is true. Your thoughts are of course personal to you, and it may be rare that you come across somebody that shares your every brain wave (very unlikely when put like that actually.)

I suppose there is some beauty in being alone in your thoughts.
You have to learn how to be comfortable within your own head, because ultimately, that's who you're stuck with most of the time.
Finding comfort in being alone is so important. People (now especially) are rarely left entirely with their own thoughts; social media and texting and skyping and all these crazy modern things that have been invented in order to 'keep us all connected' are great, don't get me wrong. But it's funny that somehow being alone has been built up into something that isn't really accepted.

Being left alone with your own thoughts and own self is oddly daunting, at least to me. I continue to catch myself wondering whether I am truly comfortable with my own stream of consciousness (the answer to that question quite often being no, but hey- we're all working hard here.)

I think that it's important to learn to listen to your thoughts and truly feel in tune with your own emotions so that you can learn to manage them and understand them properly. I'm reading great book at the moment called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle (I'm sure that you've heard of it) and although I do not completely agree with every statement that is made within it, I really do find it extraordinarily interesting learning about finding peace and comfort within yourself, and recognising when your mind is working with you, and when it is working against you. Something that I like to remind myself of often, is that I am in control of my own mind. I suppose that sounds pretty simple when written down like that, but it's definitely something that is easy to forget.

Take charge of your feelings people, and direct them towards happiness and light.
It's totally possible to be comfortable alone, always remember that.

I hope that you're all feeling magical,

Sophie xxx

SEVENTEEN, DANCING QUEEN // 19/09/15 BY SOPHIE




Happy birthday to me.

I've thought about writing this post for a really long time actually. For some reason it seems pretty significant. Year 16 has been a pretty muddled year- lots of positives, equally as many negatives.

Here are some of the things that I've learned/ want to try and learn/remember/apply to year 17...

█    ... you suck when you're tired. Get more sleep, it'll make people happier and your eyes will hurt less

█     ... listening to sad music when you are feeling sad is almost always a bad idea

█     ... talking to new people is great (seriously, talk to more people)

█     ... perspective is one of the most important things in the world. It is almost always relevant

█     ... it's ok to eat things that are not 100% natural and healthy (also bloating is normal)

█     ... when things are sh*t at school, think about that good old word perspective.

█     ... anxiety is fine but seriously stop worrying about leaving the house and walking on your own and asking people for help because that is very stupid

█     ... you love dancing. Do it more.


happy weekend lovelies. Birthday sparkles for you all.

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EMOTIONS AND NEEDS // 04/09/15 BY SOPHIE

"I need someone to snuggle and a future to plan and friends to go out with. I need to be doing art and practising yoga and reading gorgeous books about gorgeous people. I need to be blogging and taking photographs of things that make me smile. I need to be creating and making and doing.
I need to be learning about the world and meeting new souls and travelling to places that I've never been to before. I need to be happy as much as I possibly can be and I need to surround myself with positivity and light and beauty.
I need to learn to be more passionate and less jealous and I need to grow and become better. I need to stop worrying and stress out less and go out more.
I need new people and new places and new journeys. More adventures, less sitting still and more excitement.
I need to be cooking and baking and writing. Smiling and walking and picnic-ing.

I need to be living properly,
 I to not be here. Not doing this. This is not what I need."

(I don't think that I like the way that I write very much because everything sounds very dramatic. Casualness is cool, just pretty hard to do.)

Today I went back to 6th form. I'm sure that you've gathered that it's not exactly the happiest I've ever been. It's not the happiest place I've ever been to either, let's be honest. Basically, I hope that everything gets better very soon. Whether that means changing what I'm doing, I'm not sure yet. I suppose we'll see.

tgif {literally}

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OXFORD + RAMBLES // 29/08/15 BY SOPHIE

{We took a trip down to Oxford for two days, one night. The buildings were all gorgeous and extremely photogenic.}

The past few days have been really odd. I've been reading back through my old diaries and notebooks (wow I was a depressed child) and looking back at all the things I've worried about. There are loads.
The past few days have been odd, because I've realised that I've started to feel the way that I used to and I really do not want those feeling to come back.

The new notion that has been introduced however, and that I have proudly named 'the bubble theory' is also adding to this subconscious uncomfortableness. I wrote this down in a diary;

"We live in this bubble town. Everyone thinks that they're older and cooler than they really are. Everyone wants to wear the same shoes and go to the same places and eat the same things. Then those people think that they'd quite like to escape, so they all do it in the same way, with the same people, at the same time. It currently feels like everything is just constantly repeating itself. We're in this big loop of finding ourselves and losing ourselves over and over again.
The next two years (I'm sure), are going to be almost identical to the five years previously (minus a few friends, plus new feelings towards other friends) and it's boring, and I am bored."

I know that 'life's what you make it' and all that, and to a certain extent, I totally agree. But it's really difficult when you're just floating around in a bubble of 'same-ness' and all you want to do is go out and do everything that currently seems completely impossible.

I didn't mean to start on a rant.

Happy weekend- go out and do something different, not just because you think you're being 'different'.
I hope you like the photographs, and thank you all so much for such a positive response to this little space. I hope that it grows, and I hope that I do too.

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