On almost having an eating disorder.

Speaking about vulnerable and personal things is so important, and recently I've felt a little out of touch with myself. 

So, I figured that we'd jump right in with something pretty dramatic and unspoken about. Sometimes sharing something that is so central to your being is tricky, but we'll give it a go, shall we? 

A description. 

What it's like having BDD: you are never not thinking about your body. When you sit down, you are thinking about how your thighs look. You prop them up because they look smaller that way. You don't like clothes that pinch. Bras are unpleasant because there is a little squishy layer of skin that pops up just underneath the strap. Clothes are unpleasant in general. You want to take them off and have nothing squeezing you- no creases, no bulges, no lines. You want to lie on the floor and make your body as small as you can- you learn how to sit to make this possible. Your tummy is sucked in all the time. You want to exercise. All the time. When you eat, you feel bad. Really guilty. You want to do sit-ups straight after dinner. Even your ankles look abnormally large. You pull your clothes tight around you when you walk past a mirror, just to see whether you look a little smaller than the last time you checked. You check a lot. Always checking. 

Something that is so key and that I don't think people that don't suffer don't think about, is that you don't want to get better. Because that means that you have to not care so much about being small. And you so desperately want to be small. Getting better means doing the complete opposite of what your brain is telling you is most important. The thought of getting better is scary.

Today, I generally feel better- but I often feel bad about feeling better. Guilt is one of the biggest problems surrounding eating disorders. Because my brain told me that I should never ever stop exercising. And the Internet tells me that I should never ever stop exercising. And that I shouldn't cook my food in oil. And that I should cut out all refined sugars. And the list is endless and ridiculous. 

Half of my brain is better, and half of my brain is angry at being better. 

SO! Here is the important part. If anything, try to take just a little bit of this along with you.

If you are struggling: unfollow all the bikini accounts on Instagram now. It's an obsession that is not healthy. You are not those girls. You never will be those girls. You are YOU, and you are perfectly wonderful just the way that you are. You don't need to have abs to be happy. You don't need to be small- you should not place your value on your negative space. 

Don't exercise for a while. It's fine. Your body won't change in a day. You're allowed to eat chocolate sometimes and cake sometimes and oil won't kill you. Promise. 

You'll have bad days and your brain will be muddled sometimes. Don't let guilt take over you. What's done is done, roll with it, all is ok. 

Be happy with curves and lines and creases and pooches. You're a human being and you have skin and you have organs and that is very important. You can be a healthy little thing and have a little marshmallow fluff too. It's all good. You're all good. 

List the things that you don't like. Now tell me why you like them. 

Compliment yourself politely all the fucking time you beautiful little bundle of skin and smiles and vastness. You're bloody fantastic and your body deserves all the love you can give. 

Much love xxx