CRYING (MAYBE RELATABLE. PROBABLY MORE FOR SELF CONSOLING.)

I do not like crying. My mother has often said "I rarely see Sophie crying, so it's quite odd when I do." Crying results in a snotty nose and a face that is red and blotchy for at least a day. It also results in eyes that are swollen and puffy for at least two. Crying makes me feel weak and uncomfortable.

Mainly because I have no sense of control, and I feel that I could quite easily be swept along in a flood of watery, dramatic sadness and not be able to fight my way out. People say that you feel better after you've 'had a good cry', but I find that I just feel a little guilty and embarrassed- this is definitely silly, because having leaky eyes and making funny sounds does not equate to weakness in any way, it simply equates to being a human being.

 Everything seems to be heightened when you're in the middle of a crying fit- everything is bigger and scarier and bolder and brighter and just generally completely out of your grasp. It sort of feels like you're underwater, right? I'm not talking about little delicate tears that elegantly slide down your face and make pretty puddles- I'm talking about ugly sobs. Sobs that somehow rack through your entire body and make screechy sounds. The really unpleasant (arguably satisfying) sobs.  I definitely know that I do not like not being in control of my own emotions, which is perhaps ironic seeing as I have concluded that I seem to feel everything just a little bit more dramatically in comparison to most people. 

This year (and the end of last year), I have cried more so than I think I ever have done before- a combination of stress and self-doubt and future scares and changing relationships and loneliness and just general daunting life things that are often overwhelming. 

And I think that I'm writing this more so for myself than for any other reason. To make myself (and any others that may also be in the same frustratingly emotional boat) realise, that crying is ok. It's ok to be swept away for a little while, it's ok to cave into yourself, it's ok to be blotchy and it's ok for other people to know that you've been curled up in a ball with a headache and a damp face for a good solid hour- give or take. 

Crying should not be embarrassing, crying does not mean that you're weak and incapable of self control, crying does not mean that you're merely 'an overly emotional female' and it does not mean that you will not ever be happy again. Quite the opposite in fact. So, I think that we should learn to float along with our emotions, observe them, embrace them, and slowly let them pass. It's certainly true that things will always get better, even if you really do feel as though you're drowning right now. "This too shall pass" is a collection of words that I should probably tattoo all over my body, just as a friendly reminder (maybe), but for now I'll stick with this. 

Go and have a cry and a bubble bath and a vegan cookie if you need to. 

Everything's cool really. 

{LOVE to all those that bother to skim through my clumsy words. It makes me feel warmer than you can possibly imagine.}

Sophie xxx